Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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