did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
