I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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