got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
