I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
