I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
