Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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