I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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