you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
