My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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