every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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