I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
