Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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