I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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