guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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