I cannot find my penis.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
