you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
