Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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