John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
