seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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