I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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