I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
