Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Less talking, more tequila
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
