True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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