You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Randomize
