My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
