3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
