Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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