if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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