I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
