I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
