I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
