Just fell off a train. Bad.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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