This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
