Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
sex in a hospital.. check
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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