The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
