You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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