I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
