ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Someone signed my nipple.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
