Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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