Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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