What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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