so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
