I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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