I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
