I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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