i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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