I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You're a waste of cheezeits
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
