My hand turned me down
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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