when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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