I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
sex in a hospital.. check
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
