Your mouth is God's brothel.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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