Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
