Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
