That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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